Interviews are terrifying for me. They are dreadful. Some pushed me into the valley of anxiety, made me question my existence, and left me wondering why I was selected after a barrage of humiliation. Rarely have I encountered a kind, warm, or comforting panel. The only time I felt interviewed, rather than interrogated, was during a recent selection process for a postdoctoral position. The panelists greeted warmly, introduced themselves before asking “tell me something about yourself,” explained the project's purpose and need, and shared what they already appreciated in my resume. They asked questions without immediate judgment, occasionally nodding or smiling in encouragement. Of all the interviews, this one stayed with me. I am not used to kindness in interviews.

This piece may be for you if you’re in the same boat. After sitting on both sides of the table and spending the last few years as a business communication instructor, I share some observations that may be useful to those starting their careers. It might also help if you are struggling with "what is wrong with me" after a series of rejections.

It's Not You, It's Them

To begin with, interviews are subjective. It’s not bias, but subjectivity; the interviewers' worldview matters. This view results from their educational background, work experience, family upbringing, languages known, countries travelled, authors liked, books read, and music loved. One cannot do much about it, apart from trying to understand as many worldviews as possible and developing an appreciation for diverse perspectives. But I have even seen candidates being selected for bizarre reasons like “they’ll listen without questioning,” “they won’t bring too much creativity,” “they’ll be harder for my rival to manage,” or “no one would hire them, so they’ll stay put.” These decisions do not reflect merit, but the interviewers' insecurities. So, if you are unable to figure out why you lost, it's them, not you!

The Interview Day Jinx

Interviews, like exams, are stressful. It’s just one day, and a few minutes in that day that decide one's future. And yes, things do go wrong on such days. The phone might break, the best friend might stop talking, the partner might threaten a breakup, or one may narrowly escape death. This happens even if one manifests perfection. I don’t believe Rhonda Byrne that the universe grants what you wish for! In fact, when one really wants perfection, the universe cracks a joke. It teases, tricks, and puts you in tight spots. It has an excellent sense of humor.

The Power Imbalance

What also matters is the power equation. From a lower designation, questions asked seem more valid, and one's own answers may feel stupid. One judges oneself harshly while on the receiving end. Also, on the lower side of that equation, simple things may feel difficult. I remember one of my brilliant friends forgetting the name of the textbook author she had been referring to for the last ten years in an interview. Fumbling, bumbling, and forgetting are common; that’s why mock interviews simulate pressure. It’s like sports - one prepares for years, but then buckles under the weight of the moment. How the sportsperson performs on the Olympic stage makes all the difference, despite years of preparation. One may just be unlucky on that day!

The Humiliation Scam

Have you ever had a panelist smirk at you? Or were you not invited to sit down? Or did they constantly indicate through head movements that your answers were wrong? This behavior may be cultural, where being cold or humiliating is an interview ritual. Sometimes, it is justified as a method to test some qualities. While it might make sense, for instance, in a military context, such application in every workplace is questionable. Toxic workplaces thrive on humiliation, and it begins at the interview table. Later, even when addressing a simple procedural lapse, seniors might respond: “How many years have you spent in this sector? Is this what you are paid for?” Interviews offer a revealing glimpse into how organizations treat their people.

What Are We Measuring?

Selection processes may also need rethinking. For instance, Class X scores (often inflated these days) are still used to assess candidates. And then the real world catches them off guard in ways no textbook ever prepared them for, hurting egos and shattering confidence. What about the interviewers? How many can clearly articulate what they see in a candidate, and is the understanding shared across the panel? If they do know, how do they measure it? If they measure it, how reliable or valid is it? Interviewers may fall back on familiar ways, and HR practices also tend to be templated. But it's not about blaming. It is about solutions that may emerge from finding the right interviewers.

Who Trains the Trainer?

Many platforms offer training for interviewees, including line-by-line analysis from “casual sitting” to “eyeball movements,” and more. However, programs that train interviewers are unheard of. Plainly put, some panel members may not be suited for the role. They may follow patterns, seeking candidates reflecting their own views rather than new ideas. It’s like: “what my seniors did to me, I will now do to others.” A well-balanced panel is essential, and true diversity requires genuine inclusion.

No One Has a Five-Year Plan

Finally, the generations have changed. Hobbies? Strengths and weaknesses? Five-year plans? No one thinks like that anymore. Honestly, even I don’t know what I’ll be doing five years down the line, and I don’t want to live life stuck in a rigid plan. These questions might have made sense when people had stayed at a job for their whole lives. However, with new skills and technologies constantly emerging, goals evolve. Our education system often judges people wrong, and then interviews do the same. The result? People are stuck in the wrong jobs, frustrated and unhappy.

Hiring with Heart: The Way Forward

I remember my first interview experience, when I was dressed in a fully covered traditional Punjabi suit to match the “maturity” expected for an academic job. I was nauseated and nervous. But having been on both sides of the table, it became clear that the grass is greener on the other side. From the interviewee’s chair, being an interviewer looks easy - throwing questions, indulging in sarcasm or shaming, and confusing the candidate. But an interviewer has immense responsibility.

Hiring is not vacancy-filling. It’s about identifying potential, nurturing new energy, and shaping the work culture. Why should interviews be power plays? They could be conversations rooted in respect and curiosity. As interviewers, bringing kindness to the table could be more helpful than problematic. To evaluate, not judge. To encourage, not dismiss. To smile, not smirk. A simple greeting and introduction can set the tone. A well-designed process can ensure the right fit. Ultimately, workplaces, where people spend more than half their lives, must be spaces where they grow together with respect and dignity.